The woman who may or may not have been my wife recounted how she starts out in the bed with the air conditioner set on “ARCTIC’ and the fan set on “TROPICAL STORM.” When her side of the mattress is about ready to spontaneously combust, she gets up and goes to the leather couch in the living room, leaving her husband (I can neither confirm nor deny if it’s actually me!) to shiver under mounds of blankets. Once on the couch, she sleeps until the leather is heated up beyond her tolerance, then flips around to the other end where it’s cooler. She repeats the process the rest of the night in an amazing display of somnambulistic athleticism. She’s really quite limber.
One of the women said that when it first started happening to her, her husband made the mistake one night as she was flopping around of thinking she wanted to “cuddle.” Rather than correct him verbally, she decided to let him engage in some “experiential learning.” He started to “spoon” with her. After about thirty seconds, he rolled back and said, “My God, you’re on fire!”…but not in the way he had anticipated. They then turned to me…I was doing my best to become invisible but apparently it hadn’t worked…and said, “What do you do, Jim?” Thinking that a little humor might lighten the moment, I said with a chuckle, “Oh, I just think of it as having my own little flame-less campfire in the bed with me.” Apparently, I wasn’t as funny as I thought. I once again received the hostile stare, not so thinly-veiled this time. I grinned even more sheepishly than before and quickly shut up.
Just because I shut up doesn’t mean I quit thinking though. Those mental cogs kept turning. I started pondering the possibility of all these Baby Boomer women out there going through this awful experience at the same time. I thought, “Wow, I wonder how that’s affecting the climate of the earth? Maybe this explains all that polar ice cap melting and stuff.” I was about to bring this up when the woman who may or may not have been my wife (and if she reads this, probably won’t be my wife for much longer!) said, “I need to get inside where there’s air conditioning.” I was thinking “I need to get inside where there’s alcohol!” It’s probably a good thing that she cut me off before I could share my theory. She may have saved my life.
Fellas, we probably don’t appreciate how lucky we are. We don’t generally have hot flashes. I’m really not even sure exactly what it would be like, other than I can tell it ain’t no picnic! We definitely have the fun part of pregnancy (on the front end) without having to waddle around carrying the child or going through labor, which as best I can tell, is probably like getting kicked in the testicles every few minutes for roughly five to fifteen hours. Companies don’t generally tell us “since you have children, you’ll probably miss a lot of work so we’re going to pay you 30% less than that guy over there with the same degree and experience.” Women are clearly a LOT tougher than men. However, I also suspect they’re responsible, albeit unintentionally, for this global warming stuff. If someone would just speak up about it, maybe we could get it all under control. On second thought, I’m keeping my mouth shut. If you want to do something about it, YOU bring it up!